Inside The Mind Of A Sammiac
by ImmaStartARiot
Summary: This was written before Wedding Crasher when I was more stupid. I apologize in advance.
1. Chapter 1

_**YOUR POV (YOURS. YOURS OKAY? YOU'LL UNDERSTAND SOON ENOUGH)**_

"I'll be with you in a sec! Hold onnnn…"

I groan. Here I am, stuck in this bloody therapist's office after my old one quit. She committed herself to the nuthouse, saying something about not being able to work with some obsessed fangirl who won't shut up about a fictional pairing. It was probably a Twi-hard with her Team Edward/Jacob thing, because it sure as hell wasn't me.

All I ever talked about was Cammy, and that's real.

In the heart anyway.

The psychologist comes into the room and introduces herself as Lavender. "Your parents say you're obsessed with a book pairing and that it's totally unhealthy. So what book is it? Twilight? Mortal Instruments? Harry Potter? Divergent? Virals?"

"Nope," I tell her. "Only people with distinguished taste can fully appreciate the glory of Sammy Keyes and Casey Acosta."

"Sammy…Keyes? The series by Wendelin van Draanen?"

I widen my eyes. "Yes…are you a kindred spirit?"

She took a deep breath and went to stand in front of the wall.

She started banging her flipping head against the wall.

I am stuck inside an enclosed space with a psychologist having a mental breakdown WHEN I COULD BE READING FANFICTION INSTEAD ARE YOU EVEN KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW.

While the insane psychologist is banging her head on the wall trying to kill herself, I slip my phone out of my pocket and type in the URL for the Sammy Keyes fanfiction.

And no one bloody updated.

Does everyone have lives all of a sudden?

Is there a life outside of the Sammy Keyes fandom?

WHY AM I ALL ALONE?

WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE?

It'll be okay though.

They won't all leave me.

They're just all really lazy.

No way could they have lives because that would mean I'm the only one not doing anything with her life.

Dude, where are the boy Sammiacs?

Do we have any boys that are in love with Sammy Keyes?

Hell, we need more people in our fandom, _period._

"I AM POSSIBLY SUFFERING BRAIN DAMAGE AND YOU CAN'T GET OFF YOUR BLOODY PHONE TO STOP ME?"

I look up, startled, but it turns out she's yelling at the girl standing in the doorway with a bowl of food in her hands. She's chewing whatever it is and says, "I was gonna, but then my macaroni and salsa would get cold."

"I hate you."

"You know I'm your favorite patient."

_Macaroni and salsa._

Wendelin van Draanen has heard my prayers.

Someone remind me to write her another stalkerish email stating how much I love her.

I rejoice. "Another Sammiac!"

She stares before yelling, "LONG LIVE THE SAMMIACS. WE SHALL NOT DIE OUT."

Lavender just stares at us before saying, "You bloody Sammiacs. I can't help but love your weirdness, but you're so obsessive it scares me."

"There is a fine line between obsession and love," I state.

My new Sammiac friend asks, "Have you checked Fanfiction, did anyone update?"

"NO. I swear, you'd think they had more important things to do than continue their stories like HOW SELFISH CAN YOU BE TO WRITE A FABULOUS STORY AND ABANDON IT FOR A YEAR LIKE SERIOUSLY. HOW COULD YOU?"

Lavender asks, "And when was the last time either of you updated a story?"

My fellow Sammiac ignored her comment and asked me, "Guess what comes out tomorrow?"

"Whirling windmills! Sammy Keyes and the Wedding Crasher is gonna be out! Life will be complete! Who's the wedding crasher? WILL SAMMY AND CASEY FINALLY KISS BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T I AM BURNING DOWN THE CITY."

The psychologist muttered, "At least you're not pining for them to have vampire sex."

"Ew, dude they're only thirteen and fourteen, what's wrong with you?" asked the Sammiac.

"WHY ARE YOU OBSESSING OVER TEENAGE CRUSHES THAT WILL NEVER LAST?"

Dead silence.

"…And _we're _the ones that need help? YOU SPEAK BLASPHEMY. AWAY WITH YOU, PEASANT!"

I added, "Leave us, non-believer. Whilst we discuss the holies of Samantha Jo Keyes."

She held up her hands in surrender. "I'm done. If anyone needs me, I'll be flushing my PhD down the toilet."

**A/N: Another short oneshot that I wrote before Wedding Crasher so please don't hate me for its stupidity, I'm sorry. If you didn't understand this, it was sorta supposed to be like the point of view of a Sammiac/Cammiac. I am sorry to have failed you.**


	2. A Sammiac's School Day

"What could possibly be so important on your phone that you would risk it being confiscated by being on it in class?"

"Cool your heels, Mr. M."

"…what?"

I sighed loudly. "Cool your heels. Like with condor poop. Get it?"

His face turns red and I wonder what he could possibly be mad about. I mean, c'mon. dude, it's funny!

Right?

He snatches up my phone from inside my pencil case where I was hiding it during Spanish class. He unlocks my phone and groans, "What's your phone password?"

I rolled my eyes. "You gotta ask nice."

"I AM SO DONE WITH YOUR BULL. JUST GIVE ME THE PASSWORD."

"FINE. Damn. SammyKeyesAndTheKillerCruise."

"Weirdo," some kid snickers from behind me and I glare at him.

"I know how to frame you for vandalism, so shut up."

The teacher checks my internet history and asks me, "What's fan fiction?"

I sigh dramatically. "It's this badass website where people write stories based on books and movies and tv shows."

His shoulders sagged and he said, "Lemme guess. You were on the one for Sammy Keyes."

"Duhh. But there's a problem with that category."

He smirks. "Getting tired of this Sammy Keyes crap?"

"YOU WISH. NO ONE UPDATES."

"Maybe because they have lives," he suggests.

"Don't make me laugh."

He runs a hand through his nonexistent hair. "Can we just get back to Spanish, the baby kept me up all night and I don't have the strength to withstand one of your rants."

"You got to talk about conjugating the verb tener for fifteen minutes and I still don't know what the hell it means. It's my turn, shut up." I wasn't usually this gutsy or rude, but I'm going through Sammy Keyes withdrawal.

"Can I go kill myself?"

"No."

I put my hand out for my phone and he reluctantly gave it to me. "I am going to teach you the song that should basically be the theme song of Sammy Keyes and the Art of Deception, mkay? ALL OF YOU WILL LEARN TO SING JOHNNY JUMP UP. GOT IT?"

They nodded frantically and shrank in their seats.

About ten minutes later, they were all singing in harmony, "BUT I'LL NEVER NO NEVER NO NEVER AGAIN IF I LIVE TO A HUNDRED OR A HUNDRED AND TEN, I FELL TO THE GROUND AND I COULD NOT GET UP AFTER DRINKING A QUART OF THE JOHNNY JUMP UP."

They all looked as if they were being tortured so when the bell rang, they all shot out of the room like rockets as I shouted after them, "THIS IS NOT OVER. NEXT TIME, YOU WILL ALL HAVE TO WRITE A SONG CALLED WAITING FOR THE RAIN TO FALL."

I ran to my locker and grabbed my stuff for gym because if I was late, the coach would eat me and I would cry. I nearly fell over myself trying to pull my high tops onto my feet and lace them up. I smiled at the horseshoe that I had tied onto my laces, pretending that Casey Acosta gave it to me.

*sigh* Such a sexy beast, I want him so badly…

I jog over to my friends and one of them notices my high tops. "Did you…paint your shoes?"

I nodded. "Yupp."

She stares at me, waiting for an explanation. When I give her one, she shouts, "WHY."

"Well…that's what Sammy Keyes did so her shoes could match her Halloween costume."

She has this facepalm moment and she goes to the corner to form the fetal position, which usually happens when I do something Sammy related.

Weirdo.

So throughout the rest of the day, I complain about the Killer Cruise release date being too far away and I continue to mourn.

One of my friends is like..

"What if Sammy and Casey break up?"

"Haha, the series is almost over."

"Dude, are you gonna cry when the series is over?"

"WHAT IF THE AUTHOR KILLS OFF CASEY BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE SO FUNNY."

I might've punched her.

Not on purpose though.

Hand spasms and whatnot.

I walk home after school, singing along to my phone, the Sammy Keyes song.

"IN THE ART OF DECEPTION, CASEY'S BACK AGAIN…"

This one guy walking past me shot me a dirty look and I sang it louder.

The Sammiac that I had met in the therapist's office was transferring to my school next month so that we could cry and obsess and annoy other people together. But she wasn't here yet, so for the time being, I will rant to myself if I have to.

"Okay so my biggest problem is that NO ONE EVER UPDATES. LIKE SERIOUSLY THIS PISSES ME OFF. HOW COULD YOU ABANDON ME? I mean us…BUT DUDE MOST PEOPLE WERE LIKE, 'OH HEY I MIGHT UPDATE TOMORROW' BUT ITS BEEN LIKE THREE YEARS AND YOU HAVENT UPDATED LIKE WHAT? IF YOU HAVENT NOTICED, IT IS SUMMER OKAY SO UPDATE OR I WILL CRY BECAUSE I AM OVER HERE TRYING TO TYPE UP STORIES TO HELP OUR STRUGGLING FANDOMS LIKE GUYS WHERE ARE YOU? "

My dear sibling walks in to grab her notebook and says, "Shut up already."

**A/N: GUYS I ONLY DID THIS TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE FACT THAT THERE IS A CAT SCREECHING IN PAIN OUTSIDE AND I CANT LEAVE THIS CABIN TO GO HELP IT AND I MIGHT CRY LIKE NOOO KITTTYY ;-; AND I DO NOT KNOW WHERE THIS SPEW OF CRAP CAME FROM. This wasn't even supposed to be continued, but I thought, "eh, why not?" I think this is it though. This is my rant to all of you. Update.**


End file.
